Diary of the Unemployed Writer: Part 1

Day 1 of Unemployment: Seeking meaningless tasks to fill my time. Stuck finger in power socket. REVISED: Seeking meaningless, PAINLESS tasks to fill my time.

Day 2 of Unemployment: Rediscovered the ancient art of the paper toss, although in prehistoric times it was know simply as rock toss. Since the paper toss is a relative of the spitball, what were prehistoric spitwads like?

Day 3 of Unemployment: Attempted the colossal task of constructing the Taj Mahal out of my 12-month old’s graham crackers. Upon realizing that I didn’t actually know what the Taj Mahal looked like, I ate the crackers. Mission accomplished.

the internets are in your brain, stealing your freedumz

Back in the day the Internet consisted of two parts: (1) porn, and (2) advertisements for porn. People would say they used the Internet for “research” but we know they were masturbating to Internet porn.

Then along came a little website called MySpace Facebook (“facebook” or “fb”), knocking #2 off its pedestal, so that the Internet internets became one part porn and one part Facebook fb. With the top contender knocked down a notch, Google swooped in and took over the other constituent, again transforming the internets into two new parts: (1) Google, and (2) fb.

“What about lolcats?” you ask, or, “WHAT ABOUT MY FRIKKIN PRON??!!!11” Porn Pron is now found via Google using such tools as “Google Image Search” or “Google Video Search” and thus pron is now a subsidiary of Google. Lolcats remain more prolific than ever, but only through their conduits, Google and fb. No one can deny the compelling awesomeness of Lolcats, pron, fb and Google combined, which is why we invented smartphones, so that we could increasingly ignore reality in favor of lolcats, anywhere in the world, 24/7. Which leads us to this conclusory, if not rhetorical, question: What did people do before lolcats?

 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, a film by David Yates

by James Gilmore

In what should have been one of the greatest climaxes of modern film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 falls very short of its mark. While Part 1 transforms the worst segment of the Potter novel series into the greatest film of the series, Part 2 manages to insult the best portion of the novel series with nearly the worst filmic experience in the series. The film is not without a few traces of remarkable moments, but nothing more than a trace.

It is perplexing how director David Yates and screenwriter Steve Kloves managed to create such a remarkable Part 1 and a pathetically deflated Part 2Part 2’s story somehow lacks the robust emotional presence, subtle character, the visual acuity, and skillful storytelling of Part 1. The writing barely suffices to tell the plot of the story and proves completely insufficient to do anything more. It lack the thematic material warranted by such an epic series conclusion. Despite the intensely emotional situations involved in the story, every scene feels drained of emotional power, and is frequently absent altogether.

Movie poster for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, a film by David Yates, on Minimalist Reviews.The main characters are robbed of their greatest gems, especially Snape, Hermione and Ron, all of whom receive little to no actual development on screen although they are ever present in the background. Snape, for whom Part 2 is the apex of his character, is completely blunted as a character by the writing and direction to point that the incredible twist associated with his character is treated as a mere afterthought. The lovable secondary characters are used liked doilies, thrown into the story whenever required but serving little to no purpose except to have a few minutes of face time before they are again forgotten. The death of the Weasley brother, a moment of intense catharsis for the audience, is glossed over like the death of a background extra. Only Narcissa Malfoy and Neville Longbottom are given any character work worthy of remembering.

Quite deadly to the film is its ending, or lack thereof. Although there is a cute “years later” scene to conclude Part 2, the real conclusion which precedes it is barely a conclusion at all, consisting mostly of the main characters walking around with vacant stares.

Somehow, Daniel Radcliffe managed to break through the stunted storytelling to illustrate his grown maturity as an actor.

Overall, Part 2 feels unfinished, unsatisfactory and rushed, as if irreverently composed of mostly B-footage.

Rating: 3 / 5